영어로 글 잘 쓰는 법 - Exercise (3)

11 Nov 2017

아래의 글의 예전에 저와 함께 공부하던 어느 고등학교 3학년 학생이 IEEC(International English Essay Contest) 예선에 참가하기 위해 쓴 글입니다. 물론 이대로 제출한 것은 아니고 약간 수정을 해주었지만, 확실히 고등학교 3학년 학생이 쓴 글답게 전반적으로 흠잡을 데가 없는 글입니다. 특히 에세이 논제(論題, topic)를 명확하게 이해하여 글을 전개하고 있고, 논제에 대한 자신의 주제(主題, theme)도 잘 다듬어 읽는 사람이 이해하기 쉽습니다.

실제로 이 해 IEEC에서 이 정도로 논제를 정확하게 이해한 학생은 매우 드물었습니다. 다시 말해서 휴대전화가 사람들의 행동과 일상 생활에 어떤 영향을 미치고 있는지 사례를 들어 설명하고, 빈번한 휴대전화 사용이 일상 생활에 끼치는 간과할 수 없는 문제를 사례를 들어 설명하고, 이러한 문제에 대한 나름대로의 해결책을 제시하라는 논제에 어긋난 글을 쓴 학생이 많았습니다. 심지어는 휴대전화 사용법을 초등학생이 대학 교수보다 더 잘 안다는 식으로 글을 써서 에세이의 방향이 완전히 빗나간 경우도 있었습니다.

또한 주어진 논제에 대해 깊이 숙고하여 명료한 주장을 펼치고 있기 때문에 주제가 확연히 드러납니다. 명료한 생각이 간명한 표현을 얻게 되면, 바로 명문이 나옵니다. 물론 아직 고등학교 3학년 학생이 쓴 글이기 때문에 미숙한 점도 고쳐야 할 점도 많지만, 적어도 명료한 생각과 간명한 표현이라는 명문의 조건을 상당 부분 만족시키고 있습니다. 고등학교 3학년 때부터 깊게 생각하여 명료하고 간명한 사고와 표현을 얻고자 노력한 이 학생은 자신이 원하는 최고의 대학에 입학했고, 지금도 최고로 보람 있는 일을 하고 있습니다.

하지만, 분명히 이 학생의 에세이보다 더욱 명료하게 사고하여 더욱 간명한 표현을 포착한 학생들도 있을 것입니다. 이 학생의 에세이를 자세히 읽어보고 더 좋은 글을 쓰는 방법을 찾아보기 바랍니다.

Write an essay for your teacher. You should write about 1,000 words.

Cell phones have become a daily necessity for almost every one these days. But are cell phones a blessing or a curse? Discuss what impacts cell phones have made on people’s behavior and daily life, citing some specific examples. And present some non-negligible problems a frequent use of cell phones pose in our life, also citing examples, and suggest your solutions to the problems you have identified and discussed.

Marks will be given for:

• content & relevance (22%)
• range of structure and vocabulary (22%)
• accuracy of grammar and vocabulary (22%)
• organization (clarity of argument) (22%)
• mechanics (punctuations & etc.) (12%)

Thanks to this, I wake up in the morning listening to music. This tells me that it is my friend’s birthday and I can simply send a congratulatory message to her through this. After school, this shows me the time and when I am bored, I can play a game or watch a new music video with it. My private tutor calls me on this and notices that she might be late. What could this be? This is a cell phone, an indispensable device for me these days and probably for most teenagers. Nowadays, cell phones are even referred to as personal secretaries, since they offer people trivial but significant functions. Nevertheless, its influence upon people, especially teenagers who are much more sensitive and more adaptable to new instruments than adults, must be thoroughly examined because on the other side of the light lies the shadow. This is exactly why teachers must be aware of the negative influences of cell phones and educate students to be independent but not to be controlled over by their own devices. There are some negative effects but physical damages, behavioral disorders and social problems would be the most noticeable downsides of addiction to cell phone uses can bring up.

To begin with, one of the most neglected but possibly the most destructible impediment that a habitual cell phone user might undergo can be caused by electromagnetic waves emitted by cell phones. Electromagnetic waves are known to cause hormone imbalance which can lead to headaches, amblyopia, amnesia, insomnia, and those can develop into dementia, leukemia, and even cancer. Although the impacts brought about by electromagnetic waves are not yet scientifically proved, for the results of experiments differ from one research institute to another, it is definitely better to prevent its influence before it actually does happen. In England, just as a warning of the danger of smoking is printed on every pack of cigarettes, a warning stating the peril of electromagnetic waves is printed on all machinery that emits it. Especially, their influences on teenagers who are not fully developed are expected to be much more severe. What is more, for electromagnetic waves bring up critical diseases not gradual pain while one cannot realize, people should be seriously aware of them.

In addition, one can show behavioral indispositions due to frequent use of cell phones and particularly teenagers who are not yet mentally developed are more likely to show these disorders. Most of my friends who usually send more than a hundred cell phone messages a day say that they sometimes definitely sensed a vibration of the phone but no new message has arrived. Another symptom that users experience is addiction to cell phones. If one forgets to carry his or her cell phone by accident, one is unable to be patient and is very anxious all day until he or she checks the cell phone for messages that arrived during the day. Cell phones can also cause critical psychological problems when teenagers depend too much on it. Rather than facing real people and talking directly with them, some teenagers even seem to be more used to sending cell phone messages with their friends. In fact, one of my friends was very talkative and cheerful when sending messages but in face, she was a completely different person. She could barely even talk to me because she was too shy. In this sense, if people, particularly adolescents who are still in the process of developing their characteristics, become dependent on cell phones too much, behavioral and psychological disorders can occur. These tendencies to rely on cell phones can lead people to avoid conversations with others vis-à-vis.

When indulged into cell phones, especially adolescents without fully developed self-control can not only bring up personal matters but also social problems. For example, certain addicted students use cell phones continuously during classes or even to cheat on exams. Once I saw a news about some students who were so addicted to cell phones that they send messages and play mobile games even during lectures. Some extreme students even make a hole about the size of their cell phone screen through their wooden desks to utilize the machine without being caught by teachers. Using cell phones in classes not only distracts the user himself from the lecture but also other classmates from studying. What is more, last year November, senior high school students collectively cheated on the national College Scholastic Ability Test with cell phones. These students misused the benefits of the convenient communication functions of cell phones, on illegal actions. It was very shocking that students took the very advantages of cell phones to cheat in a national test, which is a crime.

For these disadvantages that cell phones can bring, I speculated solutions in personal and social categories. First of all, individually, the most important element would be the strong volition to reduce one’s use of cell phones. Still, expecting teenagers to spontaneously understand the impacts of cell phones on them and to reduce the frequency of using it could be considered as highly idealistic. Some of my personal efforts to keep my cell phone in a distance are wearing watches and using a charge system specially designed for students. Wearing watches prevents me from looking at my phone for the time and I can put it in my bag, not my pocket. Also, when I keep in mind that my student charge system provides a limited amount of messages, I consciously try to utilize it only when it is unavoidable. Like any other addictions, overcoming from cell phone addiction requires great patience and will of oneself. It may sound ideal but it is the ultimate element that helps one to overcome the side-effects of cell phones.

Finally, for those students who cannot get away from cell phones, institutional solutions made by schools could be helpful. Simply prohibiting using cell phones in school and trusting students’ self-control, which is what most schools practice these days, cannot really solve the problem. In Seoul, one high school collects cell phones from everyone, including teachers as well as students, in the morning. It is quite interesting that instead of complaining of the school’s policy to ban students from keeping their phones, most students acknowledge the necessity of it, and understands that the school was controlling cell phones for the students themselves.

Despite all these downsides, the convenient functions of cell phones must not be neglected, because people can make the most of their lives in such a fast-changing society in the contemporary world. Now, the cell phone is not merely a portable phone, but at the same time, a watch, a scheduler, an emergency alarm messenger, an mp3 player, a camera, a GPS and so on. Nearly is it impossible for the present generation to live without it. Meanwhile, those advantages can be abused by people, mostly adolescents who do not have a complete set of values, and create social problems. Thus users must be temperate and use the cell phone only when necessary. Particularly, teachers should help students who cannot control themselves. This is why teachers, responsible to instruct students, should be well aware of the disadvantages as well as advantages and educate teenagers to control themselves.